8/52

A portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014.

An accidental shot of a fleeting sideways glance that somehow perfectly captures her cheeky, inquisitive personality.

7/52

A portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014.

That look when she is just on the brink of sleep...

This week's portrait, unlike the ones so far, was difficult to select as there were barely any to choose from (and none from my SLR). Certainly, this has been reflective of my mood this week - uninspired, languid, unfocused. Perhaps it was the ordinary weather, perhaps not. I have never felt that it was so keenly important to bring my very best, in spite of whatever mood I may be in, to any domain in my life than parenting. On days when I simply lack the capacity to be creative, energetic, inspiring, I feel terrible pangs of guilt as I see how this manifests - more whinging and tantrums, more frustration, more mess and chaos throughout the house, that awful feeling of just wanting the day to be over so not making any effort to make the best of the present... It can be really emotionally draining.

But this week, the weather forecast is looking up. I've caught up on sleep this weekend and feeling a renewed energy and enthusiasm. Tomorrow is a new day, and a new week.

I ended up choosing this photo because it wasn't one that I remembered taking until I saw it, but it captures such a beautiful and fleeting moment in time that serves to remind me, this too shall pass... 

6/52

A portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014.

First trip to the zoo. Her favourite thing was not an animal; it was the waterfall in the snow leopard enclosure. Always marching to the beat of her own drum.

RETURNING HOME

I haven't been back home - to my childhood home, the house my parents still live in - for the best part of a year, which is strange considering it's only about fifteen minutes' drive away from where I live. Today I went back to retrieve some stuff, and in the process got caught up in a giant wave of nostalgia. Browsing through the hundreds of CDs in my room, there were more than a handful that I literally had no idea I even owned, let alone have ever listened to; funny that at a time in my life when I had pretty much zero responsibility and all the free time in the world, I couldn't even make the time to listen to all my music.

But what to do with all the sentimental, but otherwise obsolete, relics of the past? I could never bring myself to throw all those hundreds of CDs away (despite having copied all the files to my computer long ago). Not to mention the compilations made by friends, the old handwritten letters (remember when you used to do that?), the various knick-knacks, diaries, sketch books. I have always been sentimental but have become even more so since becoming a parent - entering that phase seemed to push my childhood and adolescence even further into the past, and those souvenirs of a more carefree, hedonistic time in my life have become affirmations of my identity at times when it seems to be lost to the throes of motherhood.

On the other hand, there is something quietly heartwarming about revisiting your childhood in the context of having a child yourself. Toys, baby clothes and picture books all get new life breathed into them, and through the joy that they bring your child, you also experience a renewed passion for all those once-beloved childhood relics. It's nice to see things come full circle in a very tangible way.

And just to illustrate that point, here are some photos of me and Miss S, at around a similar age, both taken at Christmas with our identical favourite toy.

LIFE WILL GET YOU DOWN, IF YOU LET IT

Let me say it again: life will get you down, if you let it. Maybe not if you're an eternal optimist but truth be told, I don't really know people like that. And I don't see any shame in starting to feel your resolve weaken when you're out of work, gaining no tangible or personal sense of accomplishment from your studies, having to deal with petty office politics, wanting more time with your kid then struggling to be patient and engaging when you do, feeling generally tired, unmotivated, listless... only to receive a bill for $3000 during a particularly broke period.

As someone who has a susceptibility to depression, many milder stresses have caused me much greater grief in the past, but these days I am really trying to direct my focus away from the difficulties I'm experiencing (or think I'm experiencing) and more importantly, trying not to inflate and magnify these difficulties into overwhelming and unmanageable proportions. I don't mean for this to turn into some condescending Zen self-help dogma. Life can be really fucking difficult at times.

But I am finding more and more this desire from within to swim against the current, and not just let myself get washed away like I so often used to do.

5/52

A portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week, in 2014.

They play together more and more these days. The dynamic swings between the big sister - more knowledgeable, more worldly - taking charge and leading the game play, and the little sister - smaller, but the more bossy, opinionated and outgoing of the two - dictating precisely how things should be done. It's a complex, beautiful relationship that seems to deepen each day.