THINGS I HAVE DISCOVERED DURING PREGNANCY

Would've been nice if somebody had told me this sooner.

1. Growing a baby is really fucking exhausting. I know all the books say it, and I guess it's fairly obvious, but I was still amazed by the sheer extent to which I felt tired. It's been unlike any other tiredness I've experienced. I'm a light sleeper and before baby, I can't remember the last time I slept through the night. But now, I will happily fall asleep at 8pm and be out cold until 10 or 11am the next day. And still feel tired.

2. With pregnancy and having a baby comes the onslaught of unwanted advice (from anyone and everyone, often people who have absolutely no experience on the topic) and strange/inappropriate comments. I have been told that the age gap between the baby and my 6 year old stepdaughter will be too great for them to have any hope of ever getting along. I have been forbidden from taking Panadol ("I think it's best if you don't risk it, don't you?") by someone is not a doctor and who has never had children, and despite the fact that Panadol is actually safe to take during pregnancy. I get questioned about my various bodily functions and shamed over my daily coffee intake. I even had someone ask me, in all seriousness, one Saturday night when I was out at a pub, "Shouldn't you be at home taking prenatal vitamins?".

3. Baby shit is crazy expensive. And there is no single definitive item that is exactly what you need - for example, there's no "best" pram, rather there's a million different types that are all similar but vary slightly and all have something not quite right with them. Why can't they just make one pram that has everything?

4. I realise I had (have?) a slight alcohol dependency. I wouldn't go so far as to use the word addiction, but not being able to drink has made it quite clear that I definitely drank as a sort of coping mechanism a lot of the time. Also several people have told me they assumed I must be pregnant when I stopped drinking, because why else would I not be drinking? Hm, feeling a bit like a degenerate now...

5. Prolapse. I miss being blissfully ignorant.

6. A bunch of other pregnancy-related terms/products/phenomena: doulas, muslin wraps, fundal height, mastitis, colostrum. Also a lot of scary pregnancy-related medical shit: your abdominal muscles can separate, it's common to get nosebleeds and sciatica during pregnancy, one in three women who have ever had a baby wet themselves, you can tear all the way through during childbirth. ALL THE WAY THROUGH.

7. You don't magically feel "like a mother" or a "fertile goddess" just because you're pregnant. At least I don't. You just feel like yourself, but with this weird difference that mostly feels like a strange medical condition, with the occasional lucid realisation of Fuck, there is an actual real living baby inside me that will one day come out into the world and want to borrow my car.

8. Despite all the bad stuff that comes with pregnancy, it is actually a pretty wonderful experience that makes you feel like you have this special secret (even when it's no longer a secret) that's just between you and the little kicking thing inside you.