RESERVATIONS

From time to time, people ask me why I don't blog anymore. I usually give a reflex answer about not having enough time (a convenient fabrication). The other day, a dear friend made me stop and think about the real reason why - he asked whether I had any hobbies that I did regularly, and when I replied that I don't really have any hobbies (another reflex, and another fabrication), he said "What about your blog?".

Honestly, I had completely forgotten it existed. Further to that, I had never seen it as a hobby, more as an outlet (cheap therapy?). But the more I thought about it, the more I realised he was right - the process had become a hobby, a nice one, and it made me consider why I stopped.

I seem to fall into a pattern with hobbies. I start off full of enthusiasm, ideas and naivety, which affords me the space to participate unbridled and uninhibited. But then over time, I start to become more critical of my output, of my creative process, and of why I'm even doing it in the first place. Reservations start creeping in and take over to the point where it's easier to just stop creating altogether. You wouldn't believe how many draft blog posts I have on this thing that are complete but never saw the light of day because I doubted myself too much.

I wonder what these reservations are about. The aim of this blog was never to create an end product but to experience the process. It was never intended for (many) others to read. Yet the way I approach it is with the old schoolgirl Catholicism fear that I used to view life with: whatever you do better be good, because in the end you're going to be judged for it. Judgement is surely one of the biggest stiflers of creativity.

So after some time wondering if I should just delete this thing and be done with it, I thought I'd take the slightly more painful but interesting road and keep plugging away. I still have things I want to write about and thoughts I want to explore. And maybe over the coming weeks, those dormant drafts will get a second chance at life. Sometimes it's easier to just close your eyes and jump.