ONE BORN EVERY MINUTE, OR HOW I AM ATTEMPTING TO OVERCOME MY FEAR OF LABOUR

Is it just me who thinks this is slightly terrifying?

I have to admit, I have a rather significant fear of childbirth. I wouldn't say it quite makes it into phobia territory, but it comes close. This coupled with my lack of appreciation (okay, minor repulsion) towards newborns does not inspire much confidence in me for my inevitable labour. Why am I having a baby in the first place if it's all so unappealing? you may wonder. I often wonder the same thing. I do comfort myself with the knowledge that almost every woman I've spoken to who has had a baby has admitted some fear of or aversion to childbirth. Many of them went back for seconds or thirds though, so surely that must mean something.

I read somewhere that a good way of preparing yourself for labour is to force yourself to watch a video of a child being born, especially if you haven't already seen one. I thought I was home free and clear with this one, as I have already seen episodes of the TV series One Born Every Minute. That is, until I realised that I had never actually sat through an entire episode and, more crucially, had never been brave enough to keep watching as the baby was being born. I always conveniently had to "go to the bathroom" or "get a snack" or "wash my hair" whenever anything remotely confronting came on (pretty much every scene from about halfway through).

So, given I'll have to watch a childbirth video in my birthing class anyway, I figured I may as well bite the bullet and force myself to watch one in the comfort of my own home.

It just so happened that an episode of the US version of One Born Every Minute was on TV the other night. It was actually really disappointing, and nothing like the British version that I rather enjoyed in spite of myself. The US version was less documentary and more reality TV, and was clearly biased with its blatant stance of pro-drug assisted birth. One couple who, heaven forbid, said they wanted to have a drug-free birth was regarded throughout the show as stubborn and insane. The woman wanted to try standing in the shower? Madness! The couple had a doula (birth helper) with them? What lunacy! The woman asked for minimal interference from the midwife so she could focus on her labour? Send these hippies to the loony bin! The show would even play that predictable "crazy person" music they use in Survivor when someone gets in their head to eat cockroaches or get revenge on a tree.

The show had no impact on me whatsoever as far as confronting my fears go (they didn't even show any footage of birth, it was all censored), although it did make me feel grateful that I'm not giving birth in the US - I'm definitely not anti-drug, and wouldn't be surprised if I demand an epidural in advance on the taxi ride over, but I'm thankful that I will be given the opportunity to have some say in how I want my experience of labour to be, rather than for it to be dictated by someone else.

I thought I was out of the woods until Alex insisted we download an episode of the British version, since he had never seen it and was similarly disappointed with the US version. So we ended up watching one, and I'm proud to say I didn't look away once, not even during the scary parts when the woman is making all sorts of primal animalistic sounds or when the baby is actually coming out. At one point I looked over at Alex just after a birth scene - he was absolutely beaming, his whole face was lit up, his mouth agape in a broad smile. Meanwhile, I had my hand clasped over my mouth, which was agape in a look of pure terror.

In the end, watching a birth seemed to make me more anxious, rather than allay my fears. I was awake till 2am because I was so affected by the whole thing. I tried to work out what exactly I am so afraid of, and I just couldn't put my finger on it until I realised that the thing I'm scared of is the great unknown. How can I possibly prepare myself for such pain when I have never experienced anything remotely like it? I generally kid myself by thinking that surely it can't be that bad, even though deep down I know it really is that bad, and when I am confronted with footage of how bad it really is, I can no longer keep myself in a state of denial and the fear just takes over. I asked a friend recently, who has had three children, to describe specifically what the pain of childbirth is like - where does it hurt, is it a sharp or dull pain, is it a muscle or nerve pain, what other kind of pain is it most like? She said she honestly couldn't remember because it was so overwhelming.

So for now, or at least until I have to watch another childbirth video, I think I will stay in my state of denial a bit longer and hope that when the time comes, I will be able to handle it, fear or no fear.